Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.