[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
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police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.