* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
You Might Also Like
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
I have no passwords left in me
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.