HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
You Might Also Like
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me