Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
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According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
secret recipe
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.