4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
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Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Not today
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster