You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
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MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
not for long
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.