I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Bootstraps
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.