The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT