My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
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WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face