It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
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[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
This is not me but this is me
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are