I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them