“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
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My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
termite twitter scares me
I’ve had worse
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.