[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
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Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Was it something I said?
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I had to Stop for this
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.