You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
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Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks