You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
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Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
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Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?