“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
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I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us