karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
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No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.