Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
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Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.