DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.