{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
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Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins