Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
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me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Legend 🤣🤣
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
*mops up wine with cat*
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.