What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
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It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.