Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
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If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.