Attacked by a mop.
You Might Also Like
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.