Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.