*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
mathematically impossible
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.