Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
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[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
what’s the point then??
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical