Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
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I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Plant care tips
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive