Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
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(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When you know it鈥檚 a French word but you can鈥檛 quite remember which one
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that鈥檚 your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Something Saturday.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I鈥檓 a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I鈥檓 creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef鈥檚 kiss*
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
*sips iced coffee*
man I鈥檝e been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Ra煤l Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You鈥檙e embarrassing me. You鈥檙e a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I鈥檒l thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
just once i鈥檇 like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait