Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.