Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
You Might Also Like
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.