I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
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DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished