My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
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Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need