Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
You Might Also Like
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services