Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
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I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables