dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I mean…but I did
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call