I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
okay run it by me one more time
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.