*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
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Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
How to wake up a Beagle
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
I need a headline like this
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm