me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
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I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Who did it better?
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?