7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
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Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Wait a minute…
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM