[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
No, YOUR illiterate.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?