Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
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They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Hit me in the face with a bird
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*