“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
You Might Also Like
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
I have questions??
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.