[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
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[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!