ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
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A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!