A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
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If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
3% human
97% stress
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
That’s enough internet for the day
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”