Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
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HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.