taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
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ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Teach your children to beatbox
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good