Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed